OUR JOY. OUR OWN. OUR KIDS.

Our small room seems too BIG without you. Much more our bed. The air cooler that you so fondly kick seem to blow a much colder breeze. The house is so quiet... and I so badly want to cry. As you laid down your head on my arms last night, snuggling your little body against my bossom, I couldn't help but shed tears. A lot of things ran through my mind. And all of them had only one common denominator. It is painful for me to let you go. To let you be away from my side. To think it will only be for a few days this time.

I know you didn't yet understand the tear that you so gently wiped off my cheek with your little fingers. Someday soon, you will.

I love you so much, our little princess. So much it hurts.

Always,

Mommy

November 8, 2011

Last Friday, Alee and I traveled to Davao City to meet Boboy for our scheduled weekend at Kidapawan. We left Gensan at around 8AM. It had been awhile since we traveled without her Dad. Knowing how active she was, I never really dared to travel with her alone. Last Friday, I prepared myself for the inevitable, but she acted differently. I was surprised that she didn’t make a fuss when we settled on our seat. She comfortably sat down on my lap and silently watched out the window as the bus moved speedily towards our destination. She would constantly point out at cars, cows, and trees that we passed by. I smiled within myself. My daughter has grown indeed.

When we reached Davao, we rested awhile at my in-laws house in Mintal. Nobody was home so we had the place all to ourselves. I observed her with amusement as her eyes wandered around the unfamiliar walls. She stood silently near the sofa her gaze taking in everything. She looked at me. I smiled at her. My own way of silently telling her it was alright. I guess she understood because she smiled back at me. As I went about fixing her Dad’s cluttered room, she playfully went about constantly chattering and pointing at her Dad’s things. At around 2:30 PM, we went to the city to meet Ate Belle at her law office. I was a little bit anxious about riding on a jeepney knowing that she will surely insist on sitting beside me instead of on my lap. I decided that if she ever does, I’d just let her be and pay for her fare. I thought it would be better than to fight her and make a scene in such a public place. But I had my second surprise when as passengers climbed up the PUJ, she obediently sat on my lap as I told her so. She was, maybe, too engrossed with the frenzy of vehicle and human traffic that was happening before her very eyes. She had this firm grip of my arms that were wrapped around her. I guess she was also afraid. It was after all, the very first time I exposed her to such a very public place. Her firm grip gave me a feeling of profound joy deep within. I felt so needed and depended upon. And such was coming from this precious gift I so dearly love.

Yesterday, we traveled back to Gensan. It was already early evening when we arrived at Bulaong terminal. We hired a tricycle. Boboy sat at the front seat while Alee and I rode at the back. She was so sleepy so I had her seated on my lap facing me so that she could lean forward on my chest. I had one arm around her and the other was clutching the front seat for security. As the tricycle noisily zoomed it’s way, she pressed her face closely to my chest and her arms had that familiar firm grip around me. She was probably baffled and scared of the noise and speed. I felt that proverbial sense of profound joy once again. Deep inside, I silently prayed that I will be able to provide all the comfort and strength that she needs so that in the future, those tiny hands will be able to provide the same to someone as dear to her as she is to me.

Alee turned one year & 7 months last January 8… and with that came several milestones that both make us adore her even more and at times throw us out of our wits.

She now knows how to demonstrate what she wants. For instance, one night when I got home from the office, she was playing ball with Micah. When I entered the living room, she temporarily let go of her ball and ran to me. After I kissed her, she pulled me and let me stand about a meter from Micah, picked up her ball and threw it to me. She wanted the three of us to play ball. I was pretty amazed at what she did… and much more at the power she has over all of us. Even without saying a single comprehensible word, she can already order us around. If she wants to go out, she’d nod at you and wave for you to come over to her. Then, if you do so, she’d take your hand and lead you out the door. If she doesn’t get what she wants, she’d lie down on the floor and start a spell.

That was what happened this morning. At around 5AM earlier, she woke up with an irate mood. She wanted to go out of our room right away. But it was still too early and not to mention she woke me up just when I was dozing off to a deep slumber (I had to wake up at 2AM to see her Dad off for work at Davao City). In short, it was a bad time for her to throw a tantrum. I was definitely on a short string so when she started wailing and flailing both her arms and legs, I carried her out of the room and put her down firmly on the floor just outside of our door. She didn’t want to be put down so she lay down and continued her crying spell. I told myself I was going to be firm about the whole thing and let her cry. I left her sprawled on the floor and went back inside our bedroom. I heard her wailed “Mommy” several times and I realized I couldn’t take it. I hurried back to her; saw her standing, fat tears flowing down her cheeks. She continued crying out “Mommy” and it tore my heart. I knew I couldn’t stand another round of that pitiful cry so I carried her back to the room with me. She was still sobbing when I put her down on the bed. This time, she cried out “Papi”, as if trying to call out for help from her grandpa. Nanay came after a few minutes and took her out. It made her stop crying. As my sleep deprived brain dozed off , I heard Alee’s laughter echoed, but I was too sleepy to give what just happened a second thought.

Now, seven hours after, here I am writing this blog. Trying to figure out how to eradicate this unexplainable prick in my heart each time I remember Alee’s tear filled face looking up at me and calling out “Mommy” in between her sobs. I don’t know if what I did was right and if it had left a lasting impression in her young mind. Was I being a bad parent for doing that to her? I wish I know the answer right now.

May God give me (and Boboy,as well) the wisdom to know the right way to discipline her. And may He give us the courage to carry out just that. * sigh

So help us God. Boboy & Alee: In an " it's-a-cold-day-out-here" pose infront of the Trappestine Monastery Church in Polomolok after we heard mass on the morning of 01.23.2011.