OUR JOY. OUR OWN. OUR KIDS.

Finally, you're here! ;)

dear aleeza,

i have this urge to write you a letter, because of the fact that I have a lengthy talk with a friend last night because of her daughter who is now in High School.

I know that it will be a long time from now and I can just imagine how different that world will be compared with my High School days.

Many people say that you look just like me, I told them, nah, "she looks just like herself", because even if you have the best parts of your parents, you are your own person. You have that kind of smile that makes other people hug you. The little time we spend together made me glimpse of the reason why people say we look the same. You have that spunk in you, and of course the stubborness... hehehe... your rambunctious nature will give your parents gray hair before they reach 40, hahaha... According to some books, the first 5 years will form your personality, I agree, however, there is something in every person that is innate and will be enhanced all through life. I think that's why people have complex personality.

Anyway, the reason I am writing you this letter is because of the fact that you are the only girl in your batch (you, kian and your baby brother). Your Tita Kring once told me that she feels out of place with your Tito Poloy, Kuya Jurris and Kuya Snay, because they have their own world, and she is on the outside looking in.

I also want to tell you about Mama and how we became who we are because of our parents, your grandparents. Can you imagine how they raised us, 8 children with different personalities, likes, dislikes? Even until now I am still baffled how they do it.

Mama was not just our mother, she was our friend, our co-conspirator and confidant. We ran to her when we are in trouble and she was the one who will tell papa minus the horrid details, hehehe...

It is I and your Daddy Allan who always get into trouble, we lost count of the many times we experienced the belt of papa. Those experienced made us who we are now, the only difference is that I got out before I get burn, your Daddy Allan stayed and experienced the heat. The lesson in this is that, do not involve into something that you cannot get out of. Be smart.

The great thing is your Daddy Allan came out ok, and we can see how much he changed.

Your Tita Nini, hmmm how will I describe her? I am praying that you will get her knack for fashion, she looks fashionable even when she is wearing a bedraggled outfit. Mama used to tell me that she knows how to carry a dress. Ngee, carry a dress, I thought you wear them, hahaha, corny!!! Even if she is the eldest, she is the crybaby of the family especially if it involves any of our siblings. There was one time when your Tito J ar was still in Grade 1 and he met an accident (Nabanggaan sya ug tricycle, unya nilusot sya sa ilalom), when your Tita Nini heard about it, she was in Manila at that time, Mama told me that she cried so hard on the phone and to the surprised of everybody she went home. hahaha, the airfare at that time was so expensive (PAL was the lone airline). You will learn that she never gives importance to money, as what she said to Mama, its just money... Hahaha... Mama told me that she almost swoon when she heard it. Hahaha... So she told me to talk to Nini... hahaha...

Your Nanay Jing was very sick when she was a kid that she almost die, she was always in and out of the hospital that we literally make the hospital our home. She even stayed in Davao for years to be near the hospital, but anyway, she is ok now. Jing is the typical motherly type, her cooking is superb just like mamas. She knows household chores and she can clean a room in a matter of minutes that always leave me in awe.My siblings ran to her whenever they are ill, she knows things only mother knows... Maybe because she is the only girl in the family who is married and a mother of two.

I was not around when your Daddy, Tita Chuchi, Daddy Allan, Tita Ia and Tito J ar grew up. I left to study in Cebu when your Daddy was starting high school. I only heard their pranks over the phone, but I became closer to your Tita Chi, Tita Ia and Tito J ar when they went to College. We stayed in an apartment, we never have much, but i let them experience the joy of college life. I was never strict to them, they can do whatever they want so long as they will not neglect their studies.

Your Tita Chuchi is the most generous person I know, her barkada always ate in our apartment that our consumption for a week will be gone in a day or two. It is fine by me, at least I get to meet her friends. She gives and gives to her family and she never put tabs to it. Who would have thought she will turn out to be such, coz when she was small, she was the pinaka maldita among us, she did not talk to nini for months because they quarreled over something.

ngee... why am I rambling about them?! someday, I'm going to tell you why I have to cut short my vacay in Cebu because of your Tito J ar and the time your daddy called me coz he saw your Tita Ia crying.

Anyway, I just want to tell you to enjoy every moment of your life. However, while enjoying life, do not forget that you have an obligation to yourself and that is to study hard. My parents never expected me to be like your Tita Nini, a consistent honor student. Not once did they compare me to her, other people may have, just like our teachers but never did I pressure myself to be who I am not. Be yourself.

While growing up, you get to see so much , the unfairness in life, the cruelty of some, how insensitive others are and the injustice in the system, but you know what, in the midst of everything you get to see the beauty of life in the face of a friend who hold your hand when you feel so alone, in the compassion of strangers and the wisdom of the old.

I want you to experience everything that a person must and should, my point in view in life is so different from your parents, especially your mom's, hahaha... but you should listen to them because they only want what is best for you. When you feel that they do not want to listen to your reasons, you can always count on us, after all we are your second parents. I will make your parents see the light, hehehe...

hey, you are now an ate, do not pressure yourself that you have to be responsible for your brother. That kind of responsibility sucks, you just have to be his friend. Just be yourself and everything will follow, you will only play the big sister stuff when circumstances call for it... I do not want to burden you with the "big sister stuff", you know the usual expectations that you should watch out for your brother, you must do this, give way to your brother because he is younger... Come on, they do not have to remind you that every now and then coz you already know that, it comes with the fact that you are really an ate. Moreover, how can you be that and do all those things if you grow up not who you really are. Responsibility comes in age...

Just enjoy life and do not ever forget to be yourself, while doing so, be kind to everyone especially to those who have less in life. Be humble, everything we have are not ours... and learn to SHARE...

I think, ito muna... When you get a little older we can talk about everything over a bottle of wine... hahaha...

always,

Tita Bim

Our small room seems too BIG without you. Much more our bed. The air cooler that you so fondly kick seem to blow a much colder breeze. The house is so quiet... and I so badly want to cry. As you laid down your head on my arms last night, snuggling your little body against my bossom, I couldn't help but shed tears. A lot of things ran through my mind. And all of them had only one common denominator. It is painful for me to let you go. To let you be away from my side. To think it will only be for a few days this time.

I know you didn't yet understand the tear that you so gently wiped off my cheek with your little fingers. Someday soon, you will.

I love you so much, our little princess. So much it hurts.

Always,

Mommy

November 8, 2011

Last Friday, Alee and I traveled to Davao City to meet Boboy for our scheduled weekend at Kidapawan. We left Gensan at around 8AM. It had been awhile since we traveled without her Dad. Knowing how active she was, I never really dared to travel with her alone. Last Friday, I prepared myself for the inevitable, but she acted differently. I was surprised that she didn’t make a fuss when we settled on our seat. She comfortably sat down on my lap and silently watched out the window as the bus moved speedily towards our destination. She would constantly point out at cars, cows, and trees that we passed by. I smiled within myself. My daughter has grown indeed.

When we reached Davao, we rested awhile at my in-laws house in Mintal. Nobody was home so we had the place all to ourselves. I observed her with amusement as her eyes wandered around the unfamiliar walls. She stood silently near the sofa her gaze taking in everything. She looked at me. I smiled at her. My own way of silently telling her it was alright. I guess she understood because she smiled back at me. As I went about fixing her Dad’s cluttered room, she playfully went about constantly chattering and pointing at her Dad’s things. At around 2:30 PM, we went to the city to meet Ate Belle at her law office. I was a little bit anxious about riding on a jeepney knowing that she will surely insist on sitting beside me instead of on my lap. I decided that if she ever does, I’d just let her be and pay for her fare. I thought it would be better than to fight her and make a scene in such a public place. But I had my second surprise when as passengers climbed up the PUJ, she obediently sat on my lap as I told her so. She was, maybe, too engrossed with the frenzy of vehicle and human traffic that was happening before her very eyes. She had this firm grip of my arms that were wrapped around her. I guess she was also afraid. It was after all, the very first time I exposed her to such a very public place. Her firm grip gave me a feeling of profound joy deep within. I felt so needed and depended upon. And such was coming from this precious gift I so dearly love.

Yesterday, we traveled back to Gensan. It was already early evening when we arrived at Bulaong terminal. We hired a tricycle. Boboy sat at the front seat while Alee and I rode at the back. She was so sleepy so I had her seated on my lap facing me so that she could lean forward on my chest. I had one arm around her and the other was clutching the front seat for security. As the tricycle noisily zoomed it’s way, she pressed her face closely to my chest and her arms had that familiar firm grip around me. She was probably baffled and scared of the noise and speed. I felt that proverbial sense of profound joy once again. Deep inside, I silently prayed that I will be able to provide all the comfort and strength that she needs so that in the future, those tiny hands will be able to provide the same to someone as dear to her as she is to me.

Alee turned one year & 7 months last January 8… and with that came several milestones that both make us adore her even more and at times throw us out of our wits.

She now knows how to demonstrate what she wants. For instance, one night when I got home from the office, she was playing ball with Micah. When I entered the living room, she temporarily let go of her ball and ran to me. After I kissed her, she pulled me and let me stand about a meter from Micah, picked up her ball and threw it to me. She wanted the three of us to play ball. I was pretty amazed at what she did… and much more at the power she has over all of us. Even without saying a single comprehensible word, she can already order us around. If she wants to go out, she’d nod at you and wave for you to come over to her. Then, if you do so, she’d take your hand and lead you out the door. If she doesn’t get what she wants, she’d lie down on the floor and start a spell.

That was what happened this morning. At around 5AM earlier, she woke up with an irate mood. She wanted to go out of our room right away. But it was still too early and not to mention she woke me up just when I was dozing off to a deep slumber (I had to wake up at 2AM to see her Dad off for work at Davao City). In short, it was a bad time for her to throw a tantrum. I was definitely on a short string so when she started wailing and flailing both her arms and legs, I carried her out of the room and put her down firmly on the floor just outside of our door. She didn’t want to be put down so she lay down and continued her crying spell. I told myself I was going to be firm about the whole thing and let her cry. I left her sprawled on the floor and went back inside our bedroom. I heard her wailed “Mommy” several times and I realized I couldn’t take it. I hurried back to her; saw her standing, fat tears flowing down her cheeks. She continued crying out “Mommy” and it tore my heart. I knew I couldn’t stand another round of that pitiful cry so I carried her back to the room with me. She was still sobbing when I put her down on the bed. This time, she cried out “Papi”, as if trying to call out for help from her grandpa. Nanay came after a few minutes and took her out. It made her stop crying. As my sleep deprived brain dozed off , I heard Alee’s laughter echoed, but I was too sleepy to give what just happened a second thought.

Now, seven hours after, here I am writing this blog. Trying to figure out how to eradicate this unexplainable prick in my heart each time I remember Alee’s tear filled face looking up at me and calling out “Mommy” in between her sobs. I don’t know if what I did was right and if it had left a lasting impression in her young mind. Was I being a bad parent for doing that to her? I wish I know the answer right now.

May God give me (and Boboy,as well) the wisdom to know the right way to discipline her. And may He give us the courage to carry out just that. * sigh

So help us God. Boboy & Alee: In an " it's-a-cold-day-out-here" pose infront of the Trappestine Monastery Church in Polomolok after we heard mass on the morning of 01.23.2011.